Due for an Appointment

Temporal Signature: 8,120AAAA
Dear Diary,
      Humans are so egotistical. They think that some great creator laid out a vast and beautiful universe just for them to live in and admire. Actually, the huge size just prevents them from waging intergalactic warfare and spreading violence and destruction too far from their own environment. Same goes for all of the other species, like Shkalicks and Lormens. Really, they're all the same species, but they live in different parts of the universe. I've named them to keep them organized. Other things I'm a bit careless with - I kinda dropped most planets and stars onto space-time and let them float around until they met up, kinda like sliding a bunch of magnets at each other on the floor.

     Anyway, about humans. They're obnoxiously needy too. They keep sending me these weird "prayer" things about wanting to win their little talent shows or passing their school exams. Honestly, I'm not gonna help them - if they can't help themselves, then they don't deserve my assistance. The Shkalicks and Lormens have never asked me for help; they just keep working. They also have a lot fewer wars because they're not constantly bickering about whose "God" is better, nor are they declaring war in my or my son's name. I mean, c'mon, Jesus is just my hippie son. He's a peace-loving guy. He doesn't even like arm wrestling, much less nuclear warfare.

     Oh well. I'll solve the problem soon enough. A while back, I sat down and had a chat with the Mayans. Good people. They gave me lots of gifts, although virgins and animals are rather strange presents (a basket of flowers would be just fine). I told them I'd come down again, and we scheduled a specific time. Since then, the Mayans' civilization has gone, but humans are still in need of a check-up. My calendar has the date marked 8,120AAAB - a time that the humans have taken to calling "the end of the world" or "2012."

     Eh. This oughta be good.

     Signed,
God a.k.a. Allah a.k.a. Yahweh a.k.a. Brahman a.k.a. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the rest.

     P.S.: I hope I can find my Cthulu suit. THAT would be cool.